Three years ago I got tapped by Pirooz Kalayeh to work with him on another movie. I had an idea to do a movie about the apocalypse and we did several weekends of filming over the course of several months.
This photo was taken during the last weekend of filming and I almost didn't make it. I had a flight and I was determined to go, but my boyfriend at the time who tried to control my every movement did not want me to go. My jealous boyfriend wanted me to stay with him because he was personally wounded by the fact that I was doing something that interested me. He called the movie stupid. He called my friends stupid. He mocked everything about it even though he knew nothing about it and just kept picking at me with anger in his voice. I almost didn't go.
The night of my flight he insisted on driving me to the airport but before we got there he took me to a Panera bread by the airport to waste time and to keep digging into me about not going. All while he was working his tricks of tiring me out to just agree to what he was demanding of me, I was doing my best to make him feel good about himself so that he might maybe back off a little bit. I helped him write a cover letter for a job at Netflix and he told me that because his dad has a friend high up at Netflix the cover letter would be given more weight and would be seen by his dad's friend. I helped him with this task and because of that he allowed me to get to the airport and get on my flight.
I was in a bad mood during filming. I was grateful to be away and to be around inspiring people and to be doing something that I absolutely love but my apprehension about having to return and deal with him was overwhelming. I remember a sound guy on set making a comment about a friendly actress he worked with on set before and how she always smiled and had a nice word to say to everyone and I remember feeling angry about it because it was obvious shade thrown at me, the only woman on set, for not being friendly.
I need to forgive myself for not being everything people want me to be, because that's impossible, and I need to remind myself that I don't owe anyone anything. No one is entitled to my kindness. I do want to be more kind, and to be able to let down my guard more. I want to not be so defensive, I want to get over myself. I need to forgive myself for the choices I've made. I need to forgive myself for the things that have happened to me.